Tag: identity

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How do I support my LGBTQIA+ child’s start at a new school?

Starting at a new school is always a little daunting – and not just for the kids!

Dear parents and carers…. I see you. Until they come home from that first day, you’re waiting with baited breath, fingers crossed!

But what if your child is LGBTQIA+ ? What are the additional considerations you need to think about?

Every child is unique, but LGBTQIA+ kids have specific needs that can determine whether starting at a new school is a positive or negative experience.

“Good fortune is what happens when opportunity meets with planning.”

Thomas A Edison

So how do you prepare?

Before your child starts school it’s important to have some conversations with them to gauge where they are emotionally and how they need might need your support.

Here are my 5 tips for supporting your LGBTQIA+ child’s start at a new school.

The 5C Checklist

Collection

As a parent or carer, it’s important to collect information about the school. Do your research about how LGBTQIA+ inclusive the school is. Attend any in-person information sessions and ask questions. Have a good look at their website and social media. Book a phone call with the headteacher. There are numerous questions to ask and the more you know, the better. It will help you to troubleshoot any issues ahead of time and understand the school culture, including how likely and how proactively they will act should any issues arise.

Talking to other parents and teachers can give you and overall feel for the school

Is there an inclusion policy that incorporates specific details for LGBTQIA+ kids? Is there a GSA Club (Gender and Sexuality Alliance)? Are there gender neutral toilets? Does the curriculum include LGBTQIA+ issues and people (across all subjects)? Does the school celebrate pride month and other advocacy/awareness events? What’s their policy on trans kids playing sport? What’s their policy on pronouns? Are there any ‘out’ teachers? Does the library include LGBTQIA+ books for all ages?

Compatibility

Find out what the school’s uniform policy is? Will this be compatible for your LGBTQIA+ child?

Is the uniform (both sports and every day) gendered into boys and girls clothes or are there options for gender-neutral clothing?

For trans and non-binary kids gendered clothing that does not affirm their gender, can make them feel exceptionally uncomfortable. It is also likely to increase gender dysphoria, which can negatively impact their overall well-being.

Lesbians and non-binary students may want to wear a suit to the dance.
Wearing clothes is an important part of identity

Talk to your child and ask them how they feel about the uniform that they are expected to wear. Listen to them about any concerns they have. If they’re anxious, talk to the school about available options before school starts.

School uniforms can be especially problematic for trans and non-binary kids who may find gendered clothing exceptionally uncomfortable. It may also make gender dysphoria worse. Talk to your child about how they feel about the uniform they will have to wear.

Confidant

If your child is happy for you to speak to the school, you may like to arrange for the school to provide a confidant; a trusted teacher or counsellor that your child can talk to during school hours. Having a safe space to share and talk through any issues can help resolve the issue before it becomes a bigger problem. The trusted adult may also help them with any anxieties about bullying, and be an inside ear within the staff, to help minimise impacts and make changes.

Trusted adult
A trusted adult at school can be a great way for LGBTQIA+ kids to get support

Comfort

When starting a new school, kids worry about making friends and whether they will ‘fit in’. For LGBTQIA+ kids there’s the added decision of whether they will be open about their sexuality and/or gender at school. They may not want to be open with anyone until they know them better. Ultimately, it is their choice if they tell anyone, who and when.

It’s important that your child decides for themselves about whether they will ‘out’ at school or not.

Chat with your child. Ask them how they are feeling about it starting school. Have they thought about whether they want to be ‘out’ or not? Talk it through and give them space to explore what they will do. Either way, respect their decision.

Conversation

If you’re child is trans and in the middle of social transitioning, you may wish to inform the school so that they can support them appropriately. However, do not assume that your child wants staff to know. Ask them first. Your child may wish you to talk to the school about where they can access quiet spaces during breaks, if they need some time on their own, or things like access to gender-neutral toilets and change rooms, how to handle their pronouns and any anxieties they have about inclusion.

Talking with school will help both you and the school know what you expect from each other.

Every child deserves to feel happy at school and to be given the opportunity to thrive. By being aware of some of the potential pinch points of your LGBTQIA+ kids, you can help ease the transition to a new school.

Want to get confident in parenting LGBTQIA+ kids?


Message me for details of my new beta program.

CATH BREW

Cath is an LGBTQIA+ inclusion consultant, coach and mentor who supports parents of LGBTQIA+ kids to get confident in LGBTQIA+ inclusion.

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What Makes Us Human?

“Because there was still some human in me….“

– Sergeant Rudy Reyes, US Marine

Systematically trained to kill people, Sergeant Rudy Reyes was shown people’s heads being shot off to desensitize him.

Speaking in the BBC’s documentary Once Upon A Time in Iraq, which aired in the UK last week, Reyes talked about being part of an elite group of marines. ‘When I saw that, I looked inside myself and said, “I don’t know if I have what it takes to do this”. Because there was still some human in me.’

There’s still some human in me….

Those words stayed with me.


I was struck how rarely I’ve thought about what it means to be human. As is the norm, I go about my daily life, its highs and lows and all the bits in between, but never have I had cause to ask, what makes me human?

I know too well, that not having to think about that question means that I’ve lived a privileged life. Apart from distant observance, human rights haven’t been pushing at my doorstep.

That’s because I have them.

What makes us human?

Simply put, the most obvious answer is ‘genetics’ and how we are distinguished from other species. If your mind is already thinking about our links with the ‘Chimpanzee family’, Sir Walter Bodmer, Professor of Genetics at the University of Oxford will not disagree. Whilst humans share 99% of chimpanzee sequence, he refers to the 1% that we don’t share, as giving a massive amount of space for ‘significant differences’ *

Phew! So that random strangely course hair I find on my… ahem…. that a woman finds on her chin sits within the 1% and not the 99%? Grand. Makes me feel so much better.

I once read that the difference between ‘Modern man’ and the previous species was that as homo sapiens we couldn’t leave the deceased where they fell by simply walking away. We needed to deal with the body and during that evolutionary shift, we were most likely to bury the person.

I recount this because genetics are one thing. Most of us can’t fathom our genetics with any detailed knowledge, so I find myself going to more tangible things that I can grasp. Bury your dead. That seems human to me.

I would also suggest that in a diverse cultural and global context, ‘bury your dead’ now needs to be exapanded out to a ‘ritual goodbye of the deceased’.

So what does ‘being human’ have to do with identity and belonging?

There are a range of accepted contributions to what it means to be human – bigger brains, cognitive ability, cooking, language, curiosity and quest, and we have a ‘deep social mind’ which means that we are more social than any other animal on earth.**

Now, the scientists among you are going to cringe when I say this, but I want to ignore genetics and scientific explanations…….

I want to ask you what it FEELS like to be human.

And as you start to think about this, you’ll find that it taps into areas of your soul that link to Identity and Belonging. This question forces you to think about what you value, what feeds your soul like nothing else does, what makes you feel happy and potentially what brings up a range of uncomfortable emotions – especially which you may not have yet admitted to yourself?

So – What does it feel like to you to be human?

Is it the connectivity of your closest relationships?

This taps into:

  • You needing to verbalise what YOU want from a close relationship
  • How YOU need to connect
  • Whether you know YOUR own identity and not just the identity of you as a couple.

Is it that you dream of bigger things for your life and your family?

This taps into:

  • Your hopes and dreams and whether you are living them already or not – and if not, do you feel that you are living the real YOU?
  • Do you feel that you belong with your family or are you at odds? If you’re at odds, how do you feel about that? How does that impact you and your sense of self?

Credit: @ToluBamwo from nappy.co

Is it that you explore the laws of the universe and all that is beyond yourself?

This taps into:

  • What does it mean to be you?
  • Where do you feel you belong in the Universe?
  • How do you relate to the world around you and why?
Credit: @ToluBamwo from nappy.co

These are just a few of the questions that you can ask yourself.

I guarantee that when you ask yourself ‘What makes me human?, you will delve into the deepest parts of who you are.

If you say it’s your emotions, which emotions? Why? Why are they important to you? What will you tolerate and not tolerate? What does that say about your identity? What values do you align with? What triggers you emotionally? Why?

See.

Asking ‘what makes you human?’ is only the beginning of the conversation.

So where do I stand on being human?

How I feel is eloquently captured by Roland Barthes in his book, Mythologies.

For me, being human means that we deal with the ‘goodness of wine, not with the wine itself‘.

Personally, this simple phrase captures the richness of being human.
It creates space for each and every single one of the layers that create our internal conversation.

The internal conversation that makes up who we feel we are and where we feel we belong.

And so I ask you again….

What does it feel like to you to be human?

Cath x

*Bodmer, W. (2009) ‘Foreword’ – What Makes Us Human, One World Publications, pg.ix
**Whiten, A. (2009) The Place of ‘Deep Social Mind’ in the Evolution of Human Nature, One World Publications, pg.146

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Claiming Your Margins

“I’m not a White woman. I’m a faded Black person”

– Jane Elliott

Sit with that.

Take a little longer.

“I’m not a White woman. I’m a faded Black person.
My people moved far away from the Equator, and that’s the only reason my skin is lighter. That’s all any White person is.”

Jane Elliott, is an anti-racism activist who says some powerful things. She’s right of course.

“We are one race”. As I say that I can feel my gut fighting ‘we are one race’. I want to interject and say we’re all different, that culture creatives diversity and there’s different languages and, there’s …. and there’s….and there’s…..

But she’s right again.

Underneath the thin little layers of pigment, we are all the same – muscle, fat, bone, organs etc.
Yes, I’m human, but again I want to say I’m different because of x,y and z.

So why is that? I’m asking myself this question too.
Why do I feel the need so strongly to assert my difference?

It all relates to how I am identified – not how I self-identify, but how others identify me.

Have you noticed that being Black is so important to Black people? Or being gay is so important to gay people or being Jewish is so important to Jewish people?

It’s not because they are proud.

It’s because they’ve fought.

They’ve fought to be who they are and there’s no way in hell, that is going to be taken from them.

And they are proud.
They’re proud because they’ve survived.

I believe that middle-aged white people, i.e. the Privileged, can struggle to define themselves.

Years ago, I was sitting in my car by a waterhole in far north Queensland, Australia. An Aboriginal man drove up with a car load of Japanese businessmen. He walked up to waterhole and spoke loudly in Language, before coming up to my window to explain that he’d just introduced himself to the Spirits and thanked them for allowing us all to be there.

“Where youse from?” he asked and just as I was politely answering that I was from Sydney, he butted in. “Oh that’s right, youse don’t know where you’re from”.

I was slightly affronted; I knew where I was from!

But I’d missed the point.
As a White woman I didn’t have Dreaming and beyond a handful of generations I don’t know where I came from. As an Aboriginal man, he has a lineage to that continent that goes back 60,000 years.

Privilege doesn’t question

With Privilege comes a lack of questioning because of a lack of threat and therefore, a lack of needing to define yourself, because you, are the accepted ‘norm’.

Someone once asked me to describe myself in 6 words. I surprised myself by saying without hesitation, ‘red-headed Australian lesbian’, before I had to think a little harder about the remaining three descriptors.

The red-headed Australian lesbian 🙂

In hindsight, red-headed, Australian, lesbian are the three things for which I’ve been discriminated. At various points in my life, I’ve been made to feel that they are problematic and they have attracted verbal abuse.

So now, without thinking, I claim them.

I claim them because they’ve been used against me.

I claim them because I’ve fought for them.

And I claim them because I’ve had to.

They are not simple descriptors. They have power. Without the discrimination, these identifiers would not have the same level of importance.

And the wonderful irony, is that the people who discriminate actually create completely the opposite effect they are after.

They abuse and mock to belittle and to make themselves feel bigger. But all they do is make us rise stronger.

The VERY thing that they see as our weakness, is what makes us the strongest.

And a recommendation before I go…..

Don’t ever piss off a drag queen. You’ll live to regret it.

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There’s Truth and then there’s TRUTH

Together

We know our truth.

Well at least we think we do.

Two people can have a conversation and come away with different ideas as to what it was about.

There’s a lot of new age, feel good stuff out there at the moment about knowing your truth.

– Be true to yourself
– You can only be responsible for your own truth
– Find your truth and you find yourself

These are all well and good, but what does that actually mean?

Last Friday, in my regular Barefoot Friday I talked about what it’s like to live with a neurodiverse spouse. Barefoot Friday is live illustration and conversation in which I cover a range of subjects around Identity, Belonging and Expat Life. 

With half an hour to spare before I started, I said to my wife, ‘what am I going to do for Barefoot Friday? Nothing is coming to me. I want to do something simple, but powerful’.

My wife replied,

‘I’m simple….’

‘And powerful’.

We often joke about her being simple, like the happy bouncy dog that can only focus on the ball you are about to throw. I appreciated her nudge towards our inside joke.

‘Why don’t you talk about what it’s like to live with a neurodiverse partner?’ she said.
She was right. This felt good.

Barefoot Friday’s illustration from 5 June 2020

It’s not something I could have talked about once. I didn’t understand it.

My truth was frustration, pain, hurt and confusion.

Ang’s diagnosis of Dyspraxia at aged 50 and our belief now that she’s also got Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Autistic tendencies created a space to talk.
It turns out her truth had been frustration, pain, hurt and confusion.

Ang is now 61, so we’ve had 11 years to learn, negotiate communication that works for both of us, and find ways that mean we get what we need. It’s like anything in a marriage. It takes a commitment to each other to make it work.

So, my truth turned out to be her truth too, but from a different angle.

Finding your truth

In reality…

I didn’t find my truth as the new-age tells me. I found my wife.

My wife didn’t find her truth. She’d known it for a long time. She finally felt understood.

In talking about neurodiversity, I received feedback from another neurodiverse listener who stressed the importance of talking about the positives of neurodiverse people, not just the struggles.  They are right. Neurodiverse people have amazing skills and that will be the subject this week, but it got me thinking about truths again.

It was my wife who suggested the subject matter and she was very happy with it, but someone with a similar experience holds a different truth. Even when we speak the same language this disconnect exists.

In the expat context, imagine too, the added complications of different languages and culture. It’s a wonder that anyone ever understands anyone else!

Dyspraxia is classified by the World Health Organisation as a disability. The benefit of this means that diagnosis opens avenues for funding, support services and further public recognition – all of which has been invaluable for my wife.

However, and I know this is going to sound like I’m speaking from a position of Privilege, non-neurodiverse privilege, the majority, the main-stream…. but I’m going to say it anyway.

And I am saying it, because THIS is my truth.

There is limited support for people who are married to people with dyspraxia. You can find information and services to help with bringing up autistic and ADD children and if your partner is autistic, but dyspraxia? Not so much.

At one point I even contacted the Dyspraxia Foundation to ask if they had resources, but they didn’t. Rightly so, their focus is on helping dyspraxic people, but I do wonder about partners. Are they also hidden voices as they navigate neurodiversity? Resources for non-neurodiverse people would certainly also benefit their neurodiverse spouses and relationships.

Have I just given myself another project?

Navigating neurodiversity in a marriage

Both my wife and I will openly admit that it’s been a challenge to negotiate, individually and together, but we’ve done it well and we continue to. We are an amazing team and I wouldn’t change anything.

Being dyspraxic is as much part of your identity as having brown hair. THIS is the reason I am talking about this issue. Diversity is about understanding, acceptance, embracing and celebrating.

Not allowing space for the full spectrum of people is nothing short of rejection. Who do you reject without realising it or without being honest with yourself, because you can’t cope with their difference?

Living with a neurodiverse spouse can be really challenging, but so can living with a feisty red-headed Australian. We are just who we are. Angie has opened my eyes to the world in ways that I would never have looked it. My wife’s approach to life has given me a lot to think about and loosened me up, inspired me and helped me in numerous ways….

but to find out about that, you’ll have to watch this week’s Barefoot Friday (Friday 2pm BST) on Facebook.

Cath x