Category: Connection

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#expatmom vs #expatdad

The figures speak for themselves.

On instagram the term #expatmom has been used 77.7k times, whilst #expatdad only 1000+.

Then there’s
#expatwoman 103k
versus
#expatman 100+

Interesting figures eh?

Clearly expat women are using instagram a lot compared to men, but I’m not sure it’s that simple.

I have a lot of questions.

  1. Is it because women are more commonly the accompanying partner and have to create and claim their own identity?
  2. Is it because men just simply communicate differently to women?
  3. Is it because accompanying partners (mostly women) are the primary care giver for children and therefor name their role?
  4. Is it because social media is a way of keeping in touch with family ‘back home’. Perhaps it’s women who maintain the family connections more?
  5. Is it because men don’t give a shit about social media?
  6. Is it because Instagram focuses on filters, manufactured life, and beauty and those standards are still placed heavily on women to conform?
  7. Is it because men do not know what hashtags are?
  8. Is it because….nothing…. I’m looking for answers where there are none?

It’s more than gender.
As of October 2020, women ranked higher than men in their instagram usage in all age brackets, except 25-34, where men were 0.6% higher. None of the age groups had more than a 2% difference.

So we know that the difference in #expatman and #expatwoman is not based on the male vs female. These figures are also exceptually binary and do not acknowledge the diversity of all genders.

So it must be to do with being an expat…

A 2011 study confirmed that ‘female expatriates are better adjusted than males overall and significantly so in the areas of building and maintaining relationships with host nationals’.

But that’s old data you say. Things are different now.

No they’re not.

In 2018, the International Federation of International Movers referred to research which revealed that 71% of men were accompanied by wives/partners, compared to only 26% of female expats.

That’s a big difference!

Progress in expatriate gender equality is slow – and even slower for same-sex couples where homosexual ‘activity’ is still illegal in 73 countries.

The presence of unconscious gender bias limits opportunities for women. Whilst 40% of the global workforce are women, only 15-25% of international assignees are women (2017 data).

To add insult to injury, 80% of male employees believe their company to be gender neutral whilst only 44% of women believe the same (2017 data).

This goes some way towards explaining the different roles that men and woman are experiencing in overseas postings.

However, regardless of who takes the lead assignment, that 71% of men who are accompanied by their female partners are still #men and #dads. Those roles do not diminish just because they’re the ‘lead’ person for the assignment.

Instagram is not the be all and end all of communication, but it does raise some interesting questions.
There’s certainly something different happening in how men and woman express their experiences of an overseas posting.

So what do we know?

  • Men are pretty much equally interested in using social media compared to women
  • Men do actually use hashtags, albeit they use them differently – ‘observations’, rather than women’s more expressive/conversational hastags
  • Women are less represented in the lead assignment
  • Men are still #expatdad and #expatman regardless of being the assignment lead


What’s left?

I believe it comes down to communication style and the need to create purpose in one’s life.

I don’t want to fall victim to gender stereotypes, as there are enormous variations in the norm.

However, as a general rule (and don’t bust my balls here), women look to communication to create connection and to build relationships. Men are more about negotating status and independence (offering advice etc).

So if instagram is anything to go by, female accompanying spouses are working hard to create connection and build a life.

They’re digging deep. They’re fighting hard for their families. They’re creating purpose through helping the community and building their portable businesses. They’re adapting. They’re succeeding. And they’re building relationships rapidly so that the sense of ‘home’ arrives quickly before it is taken again with a new assignment.

And they do this with the knowledge of SONDER.

SONDER
n.
The realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

– The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

I love this more than I can express.
I champion the women who do it naturally and
I champion the incredible women who adeptly create ‘home’ on a regular basis with ever changing parameters.

Cath x

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An invitation

Maps…They’re the best open invitation.

– Richard Glover

That’s quite a phrase isn’t it?

There’s a delectable sense of discovery and anticipation held within those few words.

Spoken by Richard Glover in his book, George Clooney’s Haircut and other cries for help, this phrase really struck me.

I guess it summed up everything I’ve always thought about maps.
Having trained as a landscape architect, much of my university life was spent designing and exploring the world through the aerial perspective.

For most people maps are for planning holidays, or the car trip discomfort.
I’m sure that many couples have nearly reached divorce because the chosen ‘navigator’ has misread the map or the vital road intersection happens to land on the map fold – the same fold that has now turned into a hole on the paper from repeated foldings.

Perhaps the introduction of GPSs has saved many a relationship?!

To me, there’s a beauty to maps.

As you trace your finger along the roads, you begin to imagine what each place looks like; the place names conjuring up images in your mind. Half the fun of planning a holiday or an overseas trip is in the preparation; pouring over a map before you leave.

In many Australian maps, place names offer insight into human hardships.

LAKE DISAPPOINTMENT
credit: Summerdrought

Mount Misery and Lake Disappointment so acutely describe the state that British explorers found themselves in hundreds of years ago. Yet, Anglo names do nothing to describe the massacres, traumas and desecration of the local indigenous people who called and still call these places home. Other names written out of history.

As artistic masterpieces, maps can be exquisitely detailed and take you on a journey through the creative mind of the artist.

Other maps allow you to explore communities that once lived.
Personally I really enjoy looking at the old parish maps.

Parish maps are beautifully simple with just a few lines making up the boundary of the cemetery and delineating the different denominations. Which denominations were the most revered and the most influential in the town is also evident. The ‘best’ denominations were those that could be accessed without having to venture through another denomination’s land.

The desire for street frontage still rules!

BOMBALA PARISH MAP

Then there’s simple mud maps, drawn quickly to help a friend find your house in the countryside.

‘Mud maps’ reveal much about the creator. In an attempt to help you find the destination, the creator includes prominent points of interest – defining locations to help you on your way.

But it’s not simply a map.

It’s a code that reveals more about the individual than we might realise.

I notice natural features; the trees, the rocks, watercourses as well as the absence of such soulful features. I love trees – everything about them. So for me, my mud map might describe the road turn-off by the enormous Eucalyptus that stands on the corner, the trunk that glows brightly at sunset.

Other people might instead, notice the new brick house on the same corner, its double garage and carport featuring prominently – something which passes me by.

And so in using someone else’s mud map, we follow their journey and gain an insight into their loves, their interests and their life.

We might not know it.
They might not know it either, but there’s a subtle insight into that person’s internal dialogue.

As Richard Glover says about maps, ‘they’re an open invitation’.

It’s an invitation to find out more.

Cath x

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What language should we use?

Most of us don’t really think much about the words we use on a daily basis.

Picture yourself down at the pub or sitting chatting with a friend in a café.

As you’re recounting a tale, it’s about the story.
You’re not thinking about how to talk. You just do it.

Occasionally it gets more exciting as you get to the bit when you found £20 blowing down the street or the opposite happens.
Your tone of voice changes as you describe something that upset you at work or at home.
….but you still just recount the story.

There’s not a lot of time spent choosing the words to use.
For most of us, it’s such an automatic process that you don’t have to think about how to speak.

What do words really tell you?

In 2013, I spent a week in Romania as part of the CHIST program (Cultural Heritage, Interpretation and Sustainable Tourism). Travelling as a heritage interpretation specialist, I was keen to try to understand what really makes Romania tick. I wanted to try to find out what are the subtleties of Romanian culture that an average tourist might miss.

We spent the week in north’s Maramures region, famous for its historic wooden churches.

I’ve never been great at languages and my school-girl French is passable for buying train tickets, ordering breakfast etc, but Romanian? Not even on my radar.

We were lucky to be accompanied by a guide who spoke fluent English, but this started me thinking about how different our experience might have been without her. Would we have got under the skin of Romania in the same way? As an outsider, does the language barrier determine our enjoyment and/or whether we might choose to return to the country?

Similarly, when you live in another country, do you enjoy it more when you speak the language?
Or is the enjoyment in the adventure of not knowing?

Do we need to understand language?

Towards the end of our Romanian week, we visited an old prison, the Memorialul durerii in Sighet.
As a ‘favourite’ place to torture prisoners in the communist era, many prisoners died here.

The prison held stories of great pain and suffering – important stories to tell the world.
With English as my language I was frustrated at not being able to read the detailed information. Limited to the simple English captions and various pictures, much of the greater details was lost on me.

However, what was overwhelmingly powerful was the cell with no words.
Emotionally profound. Simple. Straight to the point.

Sometimes words are too much. The profundity of the experience was all that was needed.
Whatever our language…and whatever our age, we are all human.

We all understood this cell.


In this particular cell, prisoners were shackled to the ground for 24 hours a day in the dark. They were only allowed to stand.

Empty cell with spotlighted shackles.

I watched a boy of about ten walk up to the chains in the middle of the floor.

He squatted down deep in thought and touched the shackles with his left hand, whilst with his right, he held the cross hanging around his neck.

He stayed there.
He stayed crouched for a couple of minutes.

No words for him to read, but a powerful connection seemed to be made and it was profound to observe.

We predominanly use words to communicate. It’s how we connect with people. But it makes me wonder, what do we miss if we only use words?

How can we change our interactions with people?
Rather than feeling a lack of words when we can’t speak a foreign language, what if we saw it as an opportunity to connect more deeply via non verbal means?

Some of my most favourite memories of travel have been connecting with someone when we didn’t speak each other’s language. The nods, the smiles, an awkward gesture, a desperate need to communicate with limited means. Lost in the back streets of Nha Trang in Vietnam, it was acutely apparent to me that tourists did NOT walk down these streets.

To my left I saw a tiny wizzened little old lady standing on her top step. She saw me, pointed in shock, laughed enormously in delight and started clapping. I could still hear her laughing and clapping as I went around the corner. She wasn’t laughing at me. I was just the last thing she expected to see that day. Her enjoyment was palpable.

What about diversity of language in our communities?

In terms of identity and belonging, my focus is about exploring dualites – within local communities and also within ourselves.

If we look at tourism and its need to provide multi languages for tourism, are we negating our local communities?
They too are sometimes as diverse of the foreigners that visit. Local people visit museums, heritage sites etc too.

The 2013 UK census revealed that Polish was the second most spoken language in England and Wales. In line with supporting social inclusion, should the UK now include Polish on all museum information panels?

At what point does immigration impact the way in which we approach human connection and the supply of local information?
At what point do we become local?

The history of immigration and multiculturalism fascinates me. We can hold several identities at once and also none at all, other than human.

The nuances are varied. The duality within us can feel a million miles apart or as close as a whisper.

And I think this all relates to communication – how we communicate to ourself and how we communicate to others.

By all means use language. It’s powerful, but so are no words.

No words speak to people’s hearts – and that’s where true connection happens.

Cath

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Are you mentally land-locked or island nation?

Growing up in an island nation, you hear the rhetoric.

Island nations benefit from being able to control their borders more easily.
No warring neighbours. No being hemmed in by another country. No case of anyone being too close.

By nature of it being the opposite, land-locked therefore means, loose borders, neighbours far too close and being enclosed.

Well that’s at least what some want you to think.

Personally I think that’s bollocks, bull and a crock of shit.
(Does that cover enough cultural expressions of “I don’t agree”?)

It comes from an insular standpoint that says more about your internal mindset than anything else.

“Islands are metaphors of the heart, no matter what poet says otherwise.”

― Jeanette Winterson, Sexing the Cherry

Islands are also separate from, on their own and unconnected.

I’m not saying that island nations encompass this in any way other than their physicality.
In people however, the metaphor is twofold.

1: It represents the ‘look after me, stuff you’ attitude which is devasting for those who are considered ‘other’.
AND
2: You’re protecting yourself emotionally.

I think that both decisions are made from a position of fear.

The first threatens what is known and familiar, the second, threatens to hurt our heart.

It’s scary, so we barricade rather than face ourselves – or we project onto others and blame someone else for what’s going on inside us.

This is why island nation mentality is so dangerous.

Ostracizing the ‘Other’

When we are confronted by difference and by people we don’t understand, it’s easy to attribute blame anywhere else but ourselves.
It’s their fault.

In reality, they probably haven’t done anything.
For whatever reason, just their mere existence has triggered you. And it’s triggered you, because you can’t wrap it up neatly in your mind with your known and familar experiences.

Humans like to be able to understand. It helps us to assess threat and to feel safe and comfortable in our environment. When we don’t understand something and can’t compartmentalise it, it becomes threatening.

Simply put. We don’t know where we stand and that makes us feel vulnerable.

None of us like to feel vulnerable so we shift to the other person. They’re to blame.

The homeless person makes us feel uncomfortable because we don’t know how to behave around them.

We avert our eyes from the beggar, because we don’t want to feel guilty by not giving them money.

We smile slightly patronisingly at the child with cerebral palsy and their parent. If we were comfortable we’d ignore them like any other passer-by.

We avoid the hearing impaired staff member because we might get awkward and embarrassed in trying to communicate with them.

Does any of this feel familiar?
Good.

It’s awkward isn’t it?
It’s awkward because I see you. I see me too.

You see, the only thing this thought process and behaviour does is isolate people.

Otherness isolates

It creates division, prejudice and suffering.

We are all someone else’s ‘OTHER’

It’s all about us, NOT the other person.

But it’s the other that suffers.

I’ve spoken to homeless people who say that all they want is to have a normal human conversation. A human conversation. That’s not a lot to ask is it?

But it’s also everything.

So let’s put us aside.

In opening ourselves we not only bring people in from the margins, but we also remove our own fears and discomforts. Everyone become known.

Do it enough times and it becomes your normal.

and best of all….?

It becomes their normal too.

Cath x

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What Makes Us Human?

“Because there was still some human in me….“

– Sergeant Rudy Reyes, US Marine

Systematically trained to kill people, Sergeant Rudy Reyes was shown people’s heads being shot off to desensitize him.

Speaking in the BBC’s documentary Once Upon A Time in Iraq, which aired in the UK last week, Reyes talked about being part of an elite group of marines. ‘When I saw that, I looked inside myself and said, “I don’t know if I have what it takes to do this”. Because there was still some human in me.’

There’s still some human in me….

Those words stayed with me.


I was struck how rarely I’ve thought about what it means to be human. As is the norm, I go about my daily life, its highs and lows and all the bits in between, but never have I had cause to ask, what makes me human?

I know too well, that not having to think about that question means that I’ve lived a privileged life. Apart from distant observance, human rights haven’t been pushing at my doorstep.

That’s because I have them.

What makes us human?

Simply put, the most obvious answer is ‘genetics’ and how we are distinguished from other species. If your mind is already thinking about our links with the ‘Chimpanzee family’, Sir Walter Bodmer, Professor of Genetics at the University of Oxford will not disagree. Whilst humans share 99% of chimpanzee sequence, he refers to the 1% that we don’t share, as giving a massive amount of space for ‘significant differences’ *

Phew! So that random strangely course hair I find on my… ahem…. that a woman finds on her chin sits within the 1% and not the 99%? Grand. Makes me feel so much better.

I once read that the difference between ‘Modern man’ and the previous species was that as homo sapiens we couldn’t leave the deceased where they fell by simply walking away. We needed to deal with the body and during that evolutionary shift, we were most likely to bury the person.

I recount this because genetics are one thing. Most of us can’t fathom our genetics with any detailed knowledge, so I find myself going to more tangible things that I can grasp. Bury your dead. That seems human to me.

I would also suggest that in a diverse cultural and global context, ‘bury your dead’ now needs to be exapanded out to a ‘ritual goodbye of the deceased’.

So what does ‘being human’ have to do with identity and belonging?

There are a range of accepted contributions to what it means to be human – bigger brains, cognitive ability, cooking, language, curiosity and quest, and we have a ‘deep social mind’ which means that we are more social than any other animal on earth.**

Now, the scientists among you are going to cringe when I say this, but I want to ignore genetics and scientific explanations…….

I want to ask you what it FEELS like to be human.

And as you start to think about this, you’ll find that it taps into areas of your soul that link to Identity and Belonging. This question forces you to think about what you value, what feeds your soul like nothing else does, what makes you feel happy and potentially what brings up a range of uncomfortable emotions – especially which you may not have yet admitted to yourself?

So – What does it feel like to you to be human?

Is it the connectivity of your closest relationships?

This taps into:

  • You needing to verbalise what YOU want from a close relationship
  • How YOU need to connect
  • Whether you know YOUR own identity and not just the identity of you as a couple.

Is it that you dream of bigger things for your life and your family?

This taps into:

  • Your hopes and dreams and whether you are living them already or not – and if not, do you feel that you are living the real YOU?
  • Do you feel that you belong with your family or are you at odds? If you’re at odds, how do you feel about that? How does that impact you and your sense of self?

Credit: @ToluBamwo from nappy.co

Is it that you explore the laws of the universe and all that is beyond yourself?

This taps into:

  • What does it mean to be you?
  • Where do you feel you belong in the Universe?
  • How do you relate to the world around you and why?
Credit: @ToluBamwo from nappy.co

These are just a few of the questions that you can ask yourself.

I guarantee that when you ask yourself ‘What makes me human?, you will delve into the deepest parts of who you are.

If you say it’s your emotions, which emotions? Why? Why are they important to you? What will you tolerate and not tolerate? What does that say about your identity? What values do you align with? What triggers you emotionally? Why?

See.

Asking ‘what makes you human?’ is only the beginning of the conversation.

So where do I stand on being human?

How I feel is eloquently captured by Roland Barthes in his book, Mythologies.

For me, being human means that we deal with the ‘goodness of wine, not with the wine itself‘.

Personally, this simple phrase captures the richness of being human.
It creates space for each and every single one of the layers that create our internal conversation.

The internal conversation that makes up who we feel we are and where we feel we belong.

And so I ask you again….

What does it feel like to you to be human?

Cath x

*Bodmer, W. (2009) ‘Foreword’ – What Makes Us Human, One World Publications, pg.ix
**Whiten, A. (2009) The Place of ‘Deep Social Mind’ in the Evolution of Human Nature, One World Publications, pg.146

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There’s Truth and then there’s TRUTH

Together

We know our truth.

Well at least we think we do.

Two people can have a conversation and come away with different ideas as to what it was about.

There’s a lot of new age, feel good stuff out there at the moment about knowing your truth.

– Be true to yourself
– You can only be responsible for your own truth
– Find your truth and you find yourself

These are all well and good, but what does that actually mean?

Last Friday, in my regular Barefoot Friday I talked about what it’s like to live with a neurodiverse spouse. Barefoot Friday is live illustration and conversation in which I cover a range of subjects around Identity, Belonging and Expat Life. 

With half an hour to spare before I started, I said to my wife, ‘what am I going to do for Barefoot Friday? Nothing is coming to me. I want to do something simple, but powerful’.

My wife replied,

‘I’m simple….’

‘And powerful’.

We often joke about her being simple, like the happy bouncy dog that can only focus on the ball you are about to throw. I appreciated her nudge towards our inside joke.

‘Why don’t you talk about what it’s like to live with a neurodiverse partner?’ she said.
She was right. This felt good.

Barefoot Friday’s illustration from 5 June 2020

It’s not something I could have talked about once. I didn’t understand it.

My truth was frustration, pain, hurt and confusion.

Ang’s diagnosis of Dyspraxia at aged 50 and our belief now that she’s also got Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Autistic tendencies created a space to talk.
It turns out her truth had been frustration, pain, hurt and confusion.

Ang is now 61, so we’ve had 11 years to learn, negotiate communication that works for both of us, and find ways that mean we get what we need. It’s like anything in a marriage. It takes a commitment to each other to make it work.

So, my truth turned out to be her truth too, but from a different angle.

Finding your truth

In reality…

I didn’t find my truth as the new-age tells me. I found my wife.

My wife didn’t find her truth. She’d known it for a long time. She finally felt understood.

In talking about neurodiversity, I received feedback from another neurodiverse listener who stressed the importance of talking about the positives of neurodiverse people, not just the struggles.  They are right. Neurodiverse people have amazing skills and that will be the subject this week, but it got me thinking about truths again.

It was my wife who suggested the subject matter and she was very happy with it, but someone with a similar experience holds a different truth. Even when we speak the same language this disconnect exists.

In the expat context, imagine too, the added complications of different languages and culture. It’s a wonder that anyone ever understands anyone else!

Dyspraxia is classified by the World Health Organisation as a disability. The benefit of this means that diagnosis opens avenues for funding, support services and further public recognition – all of which has been invaluable for my wife.

However, and I know this is going to sound like I’m speaking from a position of Privilege, non-neurodiverse privilege, the majority, the main-stream…. but I’m going to say it anyway.

And I am saying it, because THIS is my truth.

There is limited support for people who are married to people with dyspraxia. You can find information and services to help with bringing up autistic and ADD children and if your partner is autistic, but dyspraxia? Not so much.

At one point I even contacted the Dyspraxia Foundation to ask if they had resources, but they didn’t. Rightly so, their focus is on helping dyspraxic people, but I do wonder about partners. Are they also hidden voices as they navigate neurodiversity? Resources for non-neurodiverse people would certainly also benefit their neurodiverse spouses and relationships.

Have I just given myself another project?

Navigating neurodiversity in a marriage

Both my wife and I will openly admit that it’s been a challenge to negotiate, individually and together, but we’ve done it well and we continue to. We are an amazing team and I wouldn’t change anything.

Being dyspraxic is as much part of your identity as having brown hair. THIS is the reason I am talking about this issue. Diversity is about understanding, acceptance, embracing and celebrating.

Not allowing space for the full spectrum of people is nothing short of rejection. Who do you reject without realising it or without being honest with yourself, because you can’t cope with their difference?

Living with a neurodiverse spouse can be really challenging, but so can living with a feisty red-headed Australian. We are just who we are. Angie has opened my eyes to the world in ways that I would never have looked it. My wife’s approach to life has given me a lot to think about and loosened me up, inspired me and helped me in numerous ways….

but to find out about that, you’ll have to watch this week’s Barefoot Friday (Friday 2pm BST) on Facebook.

Cath x

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The cultural limitation of being old

Old hands

We all think someone else is old until we get there ourselves.

Then….

We massage our mind to try to be at ease with the number before looking to name a new distant number as ‘old’.

Is it any wonder though? At least in a large proportion of the West.


We erase the older generation from our lives.

And I don’t mean physically. It’s bigger than that.

It’s a deeply seated attitude where ‘old people’ are socially sandwiched between residential care and dying.

They become less than human.

When was the last time you saw an elderly person involved in a romantic storyline on TV?

When was the last time you saw an elderly couple in a film sex scene?

I can’t remember either.

It’s not because it’s not happening in real life.

In the UK, 54% of men and 31% of women over 70 report still being sexually active with a third stating ‘frequently’.

So, why is it that society pretends it’s not happening? Is it because it makes us (the society that values youth) uncomfortable?

I know that there’s the awkward thought of your parents having sex. I’m sure mine only had it twice…9 months before I was born and the same for my sibling.

Seriously though, in the expat community we often talk about how others box us in, especially with the ‘Where are you really from?’ question. Often, the enquirer doesn’t like our answer because it doesn’t fit their predetermined limitation of one’s identity.

The same applies to the elderly.

We place limitations on what we expect suitable behaviour and identity to be, but in doing so, we impose our own identity and attitudes. Apply it enough and at some point, the social pressure becomes a lived reality.

Last year, there was an incredibly good TV program in Australia called Old People’s Home for 4 Year Olds. I think it is my most favourite program ever on TV.

This unique social experiment brought older retirement home residents together with pre-schoolers, to see if their contact and connections could help the residents to lead happier and healthier lives.

The children placed no limitations on residents and the results were remarkable.

It got me thinking.

When we place limitations on others, we also limit ourselves. We assert our own fears. We lower our standards. We close our minds.

I do not think that Josephine Smith felt limited.

Meet Mrs. Josephine Smith, aged 84, whose hobby is digging graves, says the caption to this National Library of Australia photo.

Josephine Smith

Woah! Stop right there!

84 and digging graves as a hobby?

I think I am in love with that woman.

She certainly does not look like a woman who would take well to being treated as old. She is a prime example of the power of seeing the elderly very much as active members of society.

They have a lot to offer if we allow ourselves to see them. I am not saying that to be seen, they need to be as active as Josephine Smith.

Rather, let us look beyond our own lens of limitation. Wipe your murky glasses to help you see differently. You might find that you do not even need to wear glasses and a new perspective will reveal itself.

The integrity of any society can be judged by how well it treats its youngest and oldest members.

– Brian Atuhaire

We have a lot to learn about how other cultures treat their elderly.

Mediterranean and Latin American cultures often all live under the one roof. I remember reading an article years ago that talked about the elderly living longer in cultures where they lived with family. The simple fact was that they were not isolated.

In South Korea, it is an honourable duty to care for one’s parents.  In India, the elderly are the head of the household and respected for their wisdom and sage advice to younger family members. In Vietnam, Japan, and China they also live with family as do many other cultures.

So where does leave us?

I look to Josephine Smith.

I’ve made a deal with a friend that we will go running together when we are 75. Who knows if we’ll even reach 75. It might be more of a crawl, but I know one thing for certain.

I’m aiming high and, in the meantime, I’m going to aim high for the elderly in my life.

I might even ask how good they are on the end of a shovel.

Josephine would be proud.

Cath x

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The Cultural Implications of Fatness

I’ve heard it my whole life.

The one with a ‘lovely smile’ and ‘pre-Raphaelite hair’. I’m the woman with ‘brightly coloured shirts’ or the woman with a ‘lovely complexion’. Sometimes I’m the one with a ‘curvy figure’. Occasionally I’m the ‘larger lady’. I’m never the ‘fat one’.

At least in my culture.

But I am fat.

It’s a fact. I have fat. The fat is reducing, but it’s still there.

Why is fatness such a sensitive subject in western cultures?

It’s been my identity as long as I can remember. Defined by others, which in turn imposes a valued definition and worth upon myself. I’ve always struggled with my weight.

See, even there I say ‘struggled’. That phrase comes naturally.

It implies that I should be thinner…..
or is that fatter?

If I was Jamaican, I’d be considered more physically attractive and in good health. However, I’d probably also be serving a jail sentence for being gay, so as they say in Britain, ‘swings and roundabouts’.

In Barbados, doctors report of diabetes patients worrying about becoming ‘less sexy’ to their spouse if they lose weight. A stark difference to my own Australian culture.

I remember being bullied all through school for being overweight.
There it is again, ‘over’weight. ‘Weight’, being the preferred size according to the name caller – the one who takes it upon themselves to decide my identity.

  • Me in 1983, aged 7
  • My last year of high school, 1988

We all do it.

We all look at people and make decisions about who they are, based on our own cultural and social reference points.

What I love is when a cultural taboo like talking about fatness, is smashed together with another culture. Each person’s parameters are poles apart, but the collison creates cultural tensions within oneself.

In 1988 my family backpacked around China. I was 12.

Me, aged 12.

I returned in 2005 and again received the same question, “Why are you so fat?”

My brain always takes a few seconds to register.

Yes, she really did just ask, “Why are you so fat?”
My first thought? Bitch!


But, when my brain has time to organise itself away from its cultural programming and natural reactions, I remember I’m in China.

I want to bark back, “Why are you so small?”

But I’m torn.

My own cultural limitations prevent me from asserting myself so freely.

I then want to say, “and why are you so rude?” but that is pointless too. It’s not rudeness. It’s cultural difference and it’s just smashed mine to pieces in the most non-violent game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

In the two seconds that took up those thoughts, I’ve traversed thousands of years of history in both cultures. I’ve searched the depths of my soul, ethics, values and internal dialogue about self-worth. I’ve seen my life through another culture’s eyes, I’ve seen another culture through my eyes.

Not bad for two seconds eh?

This is how identity, belonging and expat life work.

Sometimes they are three distinct elements. Other times, you don’t know where one starts and the other begins.

I am pleased though to find out that I’m not alone in my experiences of discussing fatness in China. A friend told me about a friend of his who was kicked out of a taxi, because, “you’ll break my tyres!”.

If you want to travel or want to be an expat, you better develop a thick skin.

Maybe I should live in Africa.

In many African countries, being overweight implies richness, fertility and wealth. When living in west Africa, a friend of mine discovered that their cook was adding a lot of oil to their food to fatten her up. The explanation came that given her husband’s esteemed job, he was not being a good patron if his wife walked around thin. He would be seen to be not taking care of her and they would not be doing a good job of showing their status and wealth.

Fatness and fertility have often gone together. In Vienna, the Museum of Natural History is home to the Venus of Willendorf.

She was found in Austria and is believed to be a fertility symbol crafted between 30,000 and 25,000 BCE. I took great delight in drawing her when I visited and joked that it was me 25,000 years ago.

The fateful sketch!

But, I also feel the need to confess.
I don’t mean to brag, but…

My hair is way better.

I knew you’d agree.

To me, there’s a great irony about the Venus of Willendorf being at home in Vienna. I love Vienna, but never have I been looked up and down so much by well-to-do women. And they weren’t shy.

Four feet from me. Eyes start at my feet, look me up and down again and then dead in the eye. Terrifying.

It happened mostly at the people’s opera. A childhood friend of mine is a soprano soloist for the Vienna State Opera and it had been my dream to see her on stage. I realise that I wasn’t dressed to the standards shared by these women, but who cares?

MY mate was on stage. MY mate got the standing ovation.

And this is the thing.

This is all it’s about, any of this cultural stuff.

Know who you are
and
Know what’s important to you.

Get those two sorted and you’ll know your identity and where you belong.
The only place you need to belong is within yourself.

It can be one of the most hostile of places.
But it can also be the most satisfying and peaceful.

So, let’s:

*talk about fatness
*talk about all those things we struggle with about ourselves
*remove the taboos and we remove the isolation of sitting in silence
*remove the power in taunts
*remove the voice that tells us we are not enough, too much or too little.

*EXPLORE other cultures.
*LIVE fearlessly.
*JUMP INTO conversations and JUMP at the chance to be challenged.

It’s where the good stuff lies.

It’s where we grow.
It’s where we find ourselves.

Now, give me a second to find my car keys and I’ll see you there.

Cath x

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New Online Shop

hummingbird cushion

This week I am proud to announce that I launched my new Drawn to a Story online shop!!

And I couldn’t be more proud.

This is big.

It’s been a dream of mine for three years.

So what was the dream?

To provide a range of products and gifts that help people feel seen and heard in their global lives.

Like any spectrum, there’s the full gamut of experiences in the global community. I refer to the shop being for people who ‘Struggle, Survive and Thrive in Expat Life, and for those who love them’.

As someone who’s moved through ‘Struggle’ (not so elegantly) into the more stable, but not easy ‘Survive’, and now very happily sitting in ‘Thrive’, I want to help.

I want to help people feel validated in their experiences.

I want to let them know they are not alone.

I want to offer them a sense of belonging.

So…. I now have an online shop.

WE, the expat community now have an online shop.

  • ‘Hummingbird’ Notebook
  • ‘On the mattress’ pillow
  • ‘But where are you really from?’ T-shirt
  • ‘Creative Cooking’ Apron

All the products are themed to expat life, third culture kids, global nomads. They speak our language and they hold up a mirror to us to see our lives reflected and celebrated.

The drawings come from my book, Living Elsewhere.
It’s been a real joy to use them to spread the love more widely.

One of the nicest things about creating something new is that you also get to establish your own ethos.

You get to choose to live your TRUTH every day.

This is mine.

It’s important to me to run Drawn to a Story with these values at its core.

Body Size

I am passionate about clothes being accessible. I want more equality within diversity. Here, each size within a clothing product is the same price.

Just Clothing

Gendered clothing reinforces sterotypes, social conditioning and limits personal expression. In my store, there are no genders. Clothes are just clothes.

Change for Good

I aspire to make positive change and create a better future together. Each year, I donate 3% of shop sales (in 2020 up to £200) to a charity of my choice.

Passionate about Products

When you buy a gift, you want it to be just perfect. If there are products you wish were in the shop, but aren’t, please let me know.

Dreams are not made by one person alone

Like the saying, ‘it takes a village to raise a child‘, so too does it take a village to raise a shop.

I could not have achieved this without support.

Angie – My wife. My support in every way possible. This is the woman who encourages me to follow what feeds my heart and soul. She brings me cups of tea and coffee when I’m working, smiles at me when I’m stressed and is so incredibly thoughtful. On Sunday night, I worked all night to make sure the shop was ready to launch on Monday. She stayed up night too to support me, so I wasn’t doing it on my own. Isn’t that amazing? Thank you for everything!

Naomi Hattaway – From I am a Triangle.
Without Naomi, I would have a book and I wouldn’t have created Drawn to a Story. At one of my lowest points, I was desperately trying to find purpose amongst feeling lost. I had an idea to create a book of drawings about expat life. I mentioned it to Naomi and she said, “What a wonderful idea. Go for it.” Her immediate support gave me the push to leap forth. She kindly gave me feedback on every single draft cartoon, promoted my work and was constant support through the process.

Sundae Schneider-Bean – Intercultural Strategist and Solution-oriented Coach
Not only is Sundae a dear friend, but working with her has revolutionised my work life. I hired Sundae to help me ‘go up a gear’ professionally. Through our coaching sessions, she helped me to realise my potential and develop strategies to move forward. Sundae had a wonderful way of getting to the nub of my struggles through a beautiful mixture of candidness and compassion. With Sundae’s help I’ve been able to imagine and create a future where I am living with purpose and fulfilling my dreams. Thank you.

Jerry Jones – The Culture Blend and Expat Up
In 2018, I met Jerry at the Families in Global Transition conference in The Hague. The night we met, we talked for four hours. It was a conversation that changed both our lives. We came back to FIGT the following year to present our story, Unlikely Connections: The Baptist and the Lesbian. Jerry helped me to realise that I had something to say and reminded of the importance of sharing your truth, because you never know who needs to hear it.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You all mean the world to me.

All that is now left to say is, please take a look at the shop http://www.drawntoastory.com
I hope that you find products here that you love AND also products you want to give to the people that you love.

Cath x

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Walking the Work

Okay, we’re told that if we have a location independent business we can work anywhere.

But how true is that?

In my time, I’ve said, Oh, but I need my desktop computer and I need to be in my office where all my stuff is.

On occasions I work from my laptop in coffee shops. I even once wrote a cemetery management plan in Sao Paolo airport.

But this is the work of apprentices.

Today, I’m testing it BIG time.

I’m writing to you as I walk through my local cemetery.

Welcome to St George’s…….

Here, my phone is my ‘computer’ and my ‘office’…. well, let me show you.

I’m not suggesting that we work in our leisure time. Space away from screens and our work is critical. Rather, I’m proposing that maybe we can work from anywhere.

Of course, it depends on the type of work you do, but how often do we stop ourselves before we’ve even tried something?

Typing this on my phone is not the quickest thing I’ve ever done, but I haven’t thought twice about not having my computer or all my stuff in my office.

And you know what?

It’s better.
It’s better because I’m feeding my soul.

Writing as I walk through a peaceful landacape is so much more enjoyable than sitting at my desk inside. It’s got me thinking about what else I can do to shake up in my day. What else could change that means I still deliver on work, but maximise the benefit to my soul?

Maximising Joy
As expats we’re very good at problem solving, developing strategies and adapting to change as our norm. I’m sure we’re evolving an expat gene somewhere in our DNA. If not, we should be. All that hard earned experience could be bottled up and sold for a fortune – especially in times of Covid19 quarantine and lockdown!
But I digress.

We tend to focus this incredible troubleshooting brain for life’s big decisions, but what if we shook things up and used it for daily improvement?

Little changes often have a much bigger impact than we first think they can. And when they accummulate, before you know it, a hell of a lot more in life has improved….. and far more than you could have ever imagined. It sneaks up on you.

Before anything sneaks up on me in this cemetery (it’s getting dark!), I’m heading home.

It’s now the next morning. 10.09am to be precise. Yesterday’s test had an impact. I’m in the garden sitting in the sun finishing off this blog. I’ve been here since 8.30am and I’m now wondering why I ever sit at my desk indoors if I don’t have to.

Why would you work anywhere else?

So often we defeat ourselves before we even try. There’s the vibrant spark of an idea, then that little voice starts telling us all the reasons why the idea won’t work.

Let’s thank them for their advice and for wanting to protect us, but say, No thanks, I’m going to try something different today.

​My something different came to life in the cemetery. That’s normal right?!

​I got to enjoy the dusk chorus of birds settling for the night. It unravelled into a morning’s work in the garden. The fluffy head of a dandelion made me smile – bringing forth childhood memories of fairies and making wishes by blowing the fluff into the wind. I saw sexy things between beetles. I’m sure there’s a joke in there about beetles banging, but that would be rude, so I won’t make that joke.

You see, this little decision to go up to the cemetery has brought me so much unexpected joy.

I’m not going to easily settle for my office again.

What about you?
What are you settling for which you know you can make better?

I have a hunch that you’re already thinking about some areas of your life that you’d like to change.
Why not set aside some time soon to manifest these dreams and ideas?

And to answer my initial question.
Yes, I think you can work anywhere with that location independent business. I know many who do. It’s about thinking creatively, making flexibility your friend and finding joy in day to day tasks.

I’ve now moved into the kitchen as coffee calls.

I know it may sound a little frivolous as I move around with my phone. I hear you saying, but that wouldn’t work with my business.

Is that really true?

You might need to be at a desk for some things, but there’s so much more to running a business. Planning, phone calls, strategising, emails, social media and marketing can all be done elsewhere.

And when I look at the photos above, I know where I’d rather be.

And so I challenge you, what’s the first thing you’re going change?

I’m excited to hear how you get on.
Let me know and we can celebrate your wins!